You're underwhelming election day

I woke up at midnight from some much needed sleep to a riot out my window.
I went outside and smoked a cigarette and realized I was just being over dramatic again.  
I think it's because I'm not living up to my potential, or whatever it is they say in movies that makes you think.
I just want to write happy songs about how much I hate you, or sad songs about how much I hate myself, then everyone would sing along and love me or hate me and I'd be out there existing in multiple forms at multiple times apart of multiple peoples lives, experiences, moments.

Now that's something when you think about it.
But I can't sing, but I don't think that's really what it's all about anyway.

You're an idiot and the evidence of it is all over the fucking place. It's here and there and everywhere. People standing pointing at you, calling you an idiot, your friends behind your back... I never met them. I never met anyone that you knew. Anyway, then there's me. And I definitely think your an idiot in the most idiotic ways of all time possible. Then it's there, looking me in the face...

My discretion is what kills it in the end.

And there you have it.
You ruined another one.
Without even trying.

Like a kaleidoscope I change and morph these thoughts again into nothing and no one and nothing and back again.
All that's here now is me, these four walls and all the colored paper I've smothered them with.
Then it all fades away.
 It's 6:06 am and I have no idea what the fuck I'm doing.



© m.f. /Roxywaters Nov. 2012

I hope if your ever mauled by bears...

I dreamt of you again.
This time was different.
You lingered here.

Hurried as I awoke.
Life seeped in.
It was hours before I realized.

I tried to go to you
I tried to find you
For a second...

I thought I lost you.

Then I found myself.
Stuck between here and somewhere else.
I dreamt it all and forgot to realize it when I woke.

I let you stay on me,
Let you walk with me,
Let you occupy me again so easily... effortless
I let the idea of you permeate into my actual fucking day.

It's terrifying.
Mixing up life and consciousness like that.

In the dream, I was with you.
I was yours. I was bright, golden, trusted, one, whole.  Felt it, I finally felt it. Light. Simple. 
I questioned why, even in my dream, I questioned why, but I didn't search for it. I let it go.
I let go and let you in.


Where do you go after this?
I'm frenzied, frantic with you all around me.
It's been three years,
That's plenty of time.

but I just can't sleep...

© m.f. /Roxywaters Nov. 2012

Referendum

Can't find sleep

 always seems to lead the way of losing yourself.
That manic feeling
fade in
fade out 
Weary here in this man made place, with all of this surrounding, challenging 
...ungrateful maybe

 definitely felt unfortunate.
Perhaps its luck.
 it doesn't feel like luck.

auto correct stops here, whatever I type on this machine stays here.

Dreams Reality Nightmare the undefinable makes you go the furthest.
the more you learn the less you know.
truth falls away.

          impulse

decide already, this isnt life or death, and really theres only death... 
Everything is so pumped up so false so fake, blinding the senses with good reason.
you all have a reason.

whats the point? no one knows for sure. 

free will, ain't that a kick in the head?
all the resources, opportunities, advantages, past, future, experience, knowledge, what good is it if I'm not doing what I can? what I should...

What should I?

you call it a choice? are you fucking mental? there are no choices here friend, only perceptions and reactions.
chemicals too, biological chemical shit that rages war on the psyche.

there never was a choice, just the appearance of one.

It's Friday, November 2nd, 2012, 5:28 am. Everything is right as rain,
that is,
 no apocalypse,
 plague,
famine,
but the way we live, you'd think we were all the walking dead.

© m.f. /Roxywaters Nov. 2012