I'm a god damn hypocrite

I just want to feel happy for longer than a day every two months, before a cataclysmic event.

You know when you write those silly little self help inspirational nonsenses? 

I am happy
I am loved
I am positive...

Well that's not what I am. That's what I would love to be, what I would kill to be, what I trick myself into being every once in awhile. 

but what I am is not that

I am selfish

I am my mother

I am angry

I am annoyed 

I am scared 

I am vulnerable

I am lonely

I am constantly upset

I am stressed the fuck out

I am just barely surviving here, physically and mentally

I am a liar

I am deceptive towards myself

I am ignorant as fuck

I am painfully hard on myself

I am quiet

I am unoriginal

I am unsure 

im not that smart, I can't sit still enough

long enough

to figure out these answers

 and i dont care either

 all i care about are things i can dream about

I wrap my head around the 1920's

lives of famous crazies, 

what it was like to see, know, and be charlie chaplin,

how tunnels are made, 

and why song writers can so easily display truth. 

Today I thought about where

Audrey Hepburn is, 

what she's doing, 

and if she has anyone

by her side that 

loves her

 

"If you judge a fish by it's ability to climb a tree it fails."

I am a fish

that sucks at swimming

dreams of being a bird

and is being asked to climb mt. everest 

"bullshit."

 yeah, me too. it all is. 

in a tangible world all I have is a feeling that's impossible to describe



the only thing I believe in is myself...
and im losing faith

© m.f. /Roxywaters Sep. 2012